Enough But Insecure; Insecure People are Self-Subotaging

Let’s not kid each other there are universally acceptable good-looking people. Still, there are those you have to be under the influence of something; love, some 50 years old whisky, cocaine, or loneliness to see the beauty. Now that’s when “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” makes perfect sense! All this to say, your dear writer here is a 10 maybe a 15 whether blind or high, this got to be the first thing you notice when our eyes meet.

One Saturday evening,  I sat across the table under the moonlight enjoying well-grilled pork ribs with a man who was head over heels for yours truly. I’m not even lying, coupled up with a smile, I have the most gorgeous brown eyes you will see in this universe, they are even messier when I like someone lol. Now imagine that, plus a pre-planned date where I had time to plan the grand appearance. Don’t underestimate me when they say extra! I can show up looking like an Egyptian goddess (haha I’m kidding).

In the middle of our evening chat of course that includes making our exes look bad, Mr.Jellybean asked me “how can someone leave such an angel?” I laughed almost sarcastically and responded in my head “Be here long enough you will learn it yourself.” but then my mouth said, “I too wonder.” Long story, we no longer talk maybe now he knows the answer to his question. hahaha.

Story Time

(This is a true story and I have full consent from the owner to use it in this manner.)

The time is 7:30 am and my phone is ringing. I’m still sleeping because it is a holiday and why not? I reach out for my phone to see whose house caught fire this early. It was my friend, let’s call her Tootsie.  A boyfriend is involved here so let’s call him Squishy. I picked up the call.

Me: Hey boo,

Tootsie: (In a very disturbed tone) Hello,

Me: Is everything okay?

Tootsie: (heavy sigh) You won’t believe what I’m about to tell you…

Me: (I know it’s serious so I sit on my bed) What is it? How bad is it? wanna say on phone or should I come over?

Tootsie: We can say over the phone.

Me: Okay, I’m all ears…

Tootsie: Can you imagine Squishy has hacked my phone…

Me: ( A bit confused) What do you mean Squishy hacked your phone? How did that happen?

So, Tootsie had a crush on Stallion, turns out it was mutual altogether. Unfortunately, that was kept successfully underwater at least from his end.  We might never know why he decided to suppress his feelings but who cares we are here for the juicy part lol. After hitting a dead end with her undying feelings for King Stallion, Tootsie decided to give it a shot with other potential suitors. Now that’s where Squishy comes in. I almost forgot to mention that Stallion is a 10 while Squishy is a solid 7. Well, to be fair he was a 10 for me until I learned he plays Candy Crush Saga while his fellow men are out there mining, cheating, and telling lies.

Tootsie and Stallion never killed their communication. Wait, why should they anyway? Conversations in this world are great, but none can surpass small talks from people you should keep off at all costs. All of a sudden dry jokes from your ex can turn into an Oscar-winning comedy when you are in a “serious relationship”. If you are religious enough, shout “Demons” once with deep conviction!

I think by now you already know where this is going so let’s get back to “pro tips on how to hack your girlfriend’s phone”.

Tootsie: I was on Whatsapp, and I saw chats between “me” and Stallion. The texts were disappearing after only a few seconds. Although I managed to read one that said “I found someone that loves me better.”

Me: This is getting very interesting. Do you want to go to your Whatsapp-linked devices and log out of all devices then call me back?

Tootsie: Okay, lemme call you in a few.

(phone ringing after 5 minutes)

Tootsie: You won’t believe the madness!

Me: Did someone get killed or what’s up?

Tootsie: I was logged onto not one but 3 devices!

Me: (at this point I’m not even mad, I just can’t process any emotions.) Has squishy said anything to you yet?

Tootsie: No. But he shouldn’t even say anything because I’m done.

The call was longer than this but we have enough snippets to build on the day’s topic.

It’s important to note that my friend Tootsie was down for the relationship. She had given it her best shot. She had already envisioned their old age with 4 kids two living in Ohio a medical doctor and an accountant, a hacker, and a realtor with 10 grandchildren, a cat, a dog, and a huge fireplace for Christmas evenings with the mega family. It is therefore safe to say, the direction this relationship is taking as I type this has nothing to do with my dear friend.

One thing that came out so strongly from my call with Tootsie that morning was, Squishy never felt good enough for my friend. Tootsie is a major 15! She’s impossibly beautiful! Regardless of where both lay on that scale, they were in a relationship. One was determined to have it work, and the other was still in denial they deserved anything that good hence the self-sabotage.

Side Note: Men can be “ugly” and attractive at the same time. At least in my world, a man shouldn’t be looking like cinderella. There is a level of “ugly” that drives me crazy of course you’d know this if you didn’t avoid keeping me closer. So, a man thinking a woman is too pretty for them is just not it. They chose you for a reason don’t be stupid enjoy grace haha!

What’s the point?

To be honest, at this point I don’t even know what the point is but let’s try and fix something.  I hate to sound like a motivational speaker but what choice do I have? Remember the first 3 Paragraphs? Now that, and, Toostie’s story are the driving force.

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The guy I enjoyed the grilled pork ribs with is a solid 8 for me. He is calm, loves reading, and playing indoor games, and is somehow vain to a level of my understanding and consumption. He is also not active on TikTok and Instagram and that adds a point 5 to the 8.  For the longest time, I knew he was not my cup of coffee but on the other hand, I was the goddess he revered. However, I entertained the thought because a book club under the twinkling stars by the ocean was not going to be a fantasy anymore. He is also very smart and runs a successful business in the city. Every time Mr.Jellybean spoke I nodded and smiled wondering why one person is this knowledgeable and fun to listen to (If you ever see me smile when you are talking, just continue you are pushing the right buttons). This one I would never interrupt, I wanted more if possible, to walk around with his brain for a day or two was it too much to ask for?

Listen, all of a sudden a man who was an 8 to me started feeling like he was too much for me.  When that happened is still a mystery; I involved the NIS already. My insecurities skyrocketed so bad and my emotions were all over. My soft-spoken Jellybean always affirmed me and threw “I’m lucky to have you around” all the time but all my brain processed was “who else are you saying this to”.  If you read my previous article, you already know if I am dating or into someone, nothing is greater. This man right here was suddenly my prince charming on a white horse.

What I also didn’t mention is when I’m into someone it gets to my head they are everyone’s type and I automatically have imaginary competition. The relationship got very toxic powered by baseless insecurities and fights. One day we woke up and took a very long drive almost 5 hours maybe to drive away the toxicity. We spoke about what was happening and what was triggering what. We finally decided on the fate of the relationship; it was not good for either of us and wisdom dictated dissolving it.

Now you may be wondering why I mentioned there are universally acceptable beautiful people at the beginning of the article. Believe it or not, the difference between me and Beyonce is your ego and denial. Deal with it and you will realize how much of a masterpiece I am. However chini ya maji mi ni chizi, I’m insecure that one day he will leave me, my body is a movie and I hope I will see it the same someday… This is not me intimidating anyone or saying I’m better than some of y’all. However, some people who have threatened me in my relationships, workplace, and generally in life have only one quality above me CONFIDENCE. Me that should be threatening people, I’m out here being threatened. The irony!

I know how cliche-ish this sound but security is an inside job. It doesn’t even matter who says what to you as long as you are not telling it to yourself, it’s useless. The belief that you deserve all the good things and you are enough is more important than your looks. Self-sabotage is a major quality for people who have zero faith in whom they are. Now that I’m writing this, I know relationships that would have worked if I believed in myself even at 60% and I know wars I would have avoided if I lived the gospel I’m preaching right now.

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I think I want to do part 2 of this. Just remembered something that might be lost herein if I tried to fix it.  Check It out Tomorrow!

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