This article is long overdue. My sincere apologies. Honestly, I tried writing but for some reason, I just couldn’t put words together but yoh, I defeated the devil today.! Without further ado, let’s get to the meat and the potatoes of it!
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The time is 1400hrs wherever I am. My earphones are on as I try to breathe life into a few words. Heard that song by iamnotshane? What doesn’t kill you mutates and tries again, and what doesn’t love you downgrades and becomes a friend. I know it because my mind creates more when I’m sad, and sad songs induce the said sadness at least… I don’t even know how I succumbed to pressure but it’s interesting how Amapiano gives me positive vibrations nowadays whenever I’m trying to get work done. Anyway, that song by iamnotshane is on repeat mode because I need to breed some pain; enough to help get this message out with the clarity and authenticity it deserves.
About a week or two ago, I was talking to my friend Ben. The most interesting fact about this friend is that we had a mutual crush on each other between 2016 and 2018. Not sure it’s over though, we are just in complicated phases of our lives right now (sigh). Happened that none of us confessed what they felt when we did, until the mid-last year. So, yeah from “even when I’m with my boo, you know I’m crazy about you“, we degraded and became very good friends that talk anytime about everything. He’s about one person I would call a few minutes to midnight with a “Hey, I am not okay. Wanna talk?” and he’ll go something like “Up for a few drinks?” and if we are close enough you already know my response. In the middle of our chit-chat, he asked me, “Looking at yourself in the mirror, do you think you should be walking around single?” I giggled and responded, “I’m more confused by this situation than you are Ben trust me.” The chat was lengthy and he pointed out a few things he thinks could be standing between me and my Adam. He also gave me a few nuggets at least from a man’s perspective some of which I consider toxic of course… hahaha
My conversation with Ben that night triggered some deep thoughts. I don’t know my talent yet, but that should be most assuredly overthinking. Boy, I can create a whole story from the missing gaps in your cheating boyfriend’s story, and most likely the heavens are wondering why I’m not a prophetess already. I scribbled a few thoughts into my journal. When I am sad, I write. When I’m excited, I write. When I’m in love, I write. When I’m out of love, I write. All this to say, most of my life events are documented. I might as well write my own eulogy.
Most relationships end because men did 1,2,3… jokes on you, a good number are propagated by the ‘she’ or better still, it takes two to tangle. I for the longest time blamed all my breakups on the men I dated. I have been the victim in all my stories but yoh, let’s be serious, 5 relationships that ended the same way and you are the common denominator? The Lord must really be hating on you. Whilst I agree everyone in my stories had a fair share of mistakes, here are/were my shortcomings.
Truth is, it’s not like I’m always single. Attracting I do all the time, it’s keeping them attracted that’s in need of salvation here. Call me Flawsome because my personality combination has a double major in flaws and awesomeness. I’m also a subtle murderer because I will chock life out of you, so much that by the time you are done you will call women “bitches” with more conviction. Those are days of ignorance, Y’all should overlook I’m working on a better tomorrow. I don’t know who hurt me this bad, but when normal women order a cappuccino double shot, I order for chaotic men with a touch of toxicity. When I say I’m the lord’s chosen, better believe because I always receive the opposite of what I ordered and, more reasons we don’t work out anyway. I have broken up with someone for being too good (He don’t know this was it). Tell me why I shouldn’t be a sailor and just navigate those chaotic waves as I so desire!
Not about discrediting anyone here, but growing up, I fought to be seen, loved, accepted and appreciated for just being me. Unfortunately, I never got that. There was always someone better than me. There was always someone I should look out for and try to be a replica of. Statements like “why can’t you be like so and so”, and “You are the eldest and should be doing better” were my daily bread growing up. To date, I always have imaginary competition and never felt enough for anything. Translated to romantic relationships, I’m always waiting to know my deputy or whom I’m deputing because from where I hail, I can’t be the only one leave alone the one. I will actually create a scenario if my partner doesn’t seem to create one because why are you making it look like I’m the best here? I remember telling one of the boys I ever loved, “If you ever find someone better, Please lemme know. I will let you go.” I’m actually crying typing this because that’s too much damage for one cute baby. Sadly, he found one who was better. He said. He Left.
This ties to the previous point. Self-esteem is the opinion we have for ourselves. When our self-esteem is low, we view ourselves and our lives at large from a negative and critical standpoint. It’s at this state where we feel unable to handle the challenges life throws at us. Persons with low self-esteem or confidence try very hard to hide from social situations, they stop trying new things and avoid things that they find challenging. In the short term, this avoidance feels safe and comfortable. While in the long run, it reinforces fear and doubts in you pointing you to the unhealthy way of dealing with issues; avoidance. Living with low self-esteem can cost your mental health and/or lead to unhelpful habits such as smoking and drinking too much as a coping mechanism. I have for the longest time believed I’m not a good girlfriend and that has become my reality. I doubt my parenting skills and everything I do. I have told myself things I would never say to someone because they will come off as insensitive and/or rude.
Passive – aggression
Passive-aggressive behavior is the act of expressing a lack of satisfaction or negative feelings indirectly in spite of addressing them directly. I don’t know where this stems from but I’d give it a good guess. If you grew up in a low-power distance index family, you are more likely to exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies. I have heard my sisters tell people “we can no longer be friends” and even as I type this I’m still baffled. I have been still in the most uncertain situations you will ever witness, dragged in mad I should otherwise not be looking at in the first place, and said yes to situations I should have said no to just because that is easier than confrontation. I have been afraid to hurt people and/or get hurt by them in case I confront them and they respond with a statement contrary to my expectations. So, I choose to be passive-aggressive instead. It’s only matter of time before passive – aggressors burst out of pressure. There is too much anger and resentment created in the attempt of concealing deep emotions.
Low self-esteem and insecurities are about the worst cocktail you will ever taste. This combo makes you believe you ain’t shit and people are doing you a favor by allowing you to dine on their tables while all this time you are the damn table! Sometimes I just wanna go back and slap my past self because what exactly was that level? People with low self-esteem and insecurities have their bar at the bottom of the barrel if they are lucky enough to have any standards. In relationships, you find yourself settling for the bare minimum. Don’t even get me started with dating people a healed you can never be friends with just because it gives you the importance and that feeling of acceptance. If you belong here, go back in time, and most assuredly, you will realize there is only one relationship, lucky enough if the number gets to two you have indulged for the right reasons. The rest are just you giving yourself false relevance. Sometimes, dating people you consider “lower” than you can consciously or subconsciously make you feel better about yourself. Attracting good quality people demands you to up your game and that’s something a wounded person is not up to. Intrinsically, we all know what we want and how we want it served, however, it’s too much to ask for someone who already thinks lowly of themselves.
Whether you are into Christianity, Islam, Traditional beliefs, Buddhism, and all those other things that steer your spirituality, gratitude is a principle that cuts across. If it were upon me, I would say the antonym of gratitude is complaints. I have never heard someone say “I’m ungrateful for this day” instead it’s always “Now what’s this too much sun about?” “This day is too boring. when will it end?” If you ask me, they all read the same; complaints. Honestly, I don’t think anyone wants to occupy the same space with people who are always whining about everything. Nobody has the time to, leave alone the energy to keep affirming your ungrateful self. Listen, this combined with insecurities has had a high ride on me for years. So, I was in this relationship with the most generous man the world will ever know. He did so much for me and my sisters without being asked to. Sadly, I almost can’t remember one day I appreciated all that he did. Instead, I always pointed out what he didn’t do. My crazy self was diagnosed one time when I asked him to send me 500 shillings for something I needed. He was not in a position to send it immediately so he told me to wait like three hours since the matter wasn’t life-threatening. He sent me Ksh 1030 instead. Two days later, we were on call and I asked him why he didn’t send me the Ksh 500 I had requested (listen, at this point, I’m laughing out loud because I too am beyond myself hahaha). He asked me with a calm, “Instead how much did I send to you?” We both laughed because we had seen worst days before and he admittedly said I was beyond him. All this to say, gratitude is an art to be mastered over time and so is ungratefulness. There is no way to please ungrateful people, that’s an inside job from their end.
Citing the last article “Enough but Insecure“, All the time, there is not a single way to deal with wounded people. The hell is yours and those demons solely belong to you. Heal before you come causing chaos and bleeding onto other people. The universe has a way of bringing the same tragedy over and over until you educate yourself through it thus, “What doesn’t kill you mutates and try again.” Also, from my own experience, people will opt to steer their wheels off you if you can’t get your shit together. Everyone has enough battles to fight and helping you with yours is not on their bucket list. Heal for YOU!
Thank you for reading!
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Weeh!! Sis kwani you know my story ama? I’ve related to each point and trust you me, I battle with the thought of being in a relationship coz I feel I’m not worthy enough being someone’s love. I have alot of baggage with me that I wouldn’t want to harass someone’s son with. Wacha tu nikae single and see what life has in store for me. I’m one broken person that has lots of traumas hata sjui naanzia wapi dealing with them
Thank you for reading my work. I am glad you got to relate to this article. Kindly text me on WhatsApp we have a chat.
Oooh my this one here shiish . Amazing. This way, you know the idea of going through something so as to help others with the same issue, yes you have been broken into soo many tiny pieces to be a voice of hope to the broken. I wish i didn’t relate with this but i do. Some words i have written on my dairy soo many times 😣. You speak the unspoken and somehow that feels like a drug that healeth . Thank you for being a book we can read , for allowing us in your bedroom , sacred thoughts. I appreciate this. More grace to keep writting becouse now am addicted 😍
I’m crying. Thank you for your kind words and for reading this to the end. If the article has touched even one soul, then I must say its work is complete.
Keep coming for more dosage!